True/truest/truth

Right now I just want to be on the beach and feel the sun on my skin, listen to the waves,

the birds, kids playing in the sand. I just want to close my eyes and douse away, while all the sounds slowly move into the background. Picturing it already makes me feel better, more at ease. I'm not sure what I intended to write, but here goes nothing.


For some reason I've been gifted with the ability to see through facades, to listen for what someone is saying even if the words that are being used are pointing towards something completely different. Yet I've doubted my own knowing for as long as I can remember.

Which obviously lead to not trusting my gut feeling and trying to find the confirmation that I'm wrong. I think I was told I was wrong so many times when I was a little kid that I subconsciously started to believe it - and created a pattern that lead me to people who would confirm that I was wrong over and over again. Funny enough I would always have to admit to myself in the end that I was right all along - I just didn't want to trust the gut feeling I as I couldn't understand it with my head.


Fast forward to years later - and I find myself in a similar situation as a long time ago - I lost my job and ended a relationship almost at the same time.

For some reason I suddenly realized I was reliving that same situation, yet with a different person and a different job. So I still managed to get myself into a situation knowing it wasn't the right choice for me. BUT - thankfully I spent a lot less time doubting myself, so I was able to cut the crap a lot sooner.


I don't mean to judge (however sarcastic the below sounds) but I realized: both men were emotionally unavailable, in awe of their own ego and incapable of empathy unless it would make them look better if they'd play the psychologist. And I would play small. I would tell myself how lucky I was to be loved by such a handsome, witty and confident man.

Same goes for work, I would convince myself how lucky I was that to be given the opportunity to work for such an impressive company. Although to me an office job is not exactly what I would call an inspiring environment - yet I would always try to fit in and play small in order to do so.

And if I'm honest to myself I don't agree with office politics, or with the idea that the economy matters above everything else, or with shitty meetings where everybody talks about nothing at all, for hours straight.


Thankfully the universe always manages to help you change direction, because I really need to. Something tells me it should be about feeling instead of thinking, trusting instead of fearing to be wrong. I will continue to look for my truth underneath everything else, because if I listen carefully the answer is always right there, in the feeling.


Trust your GUT!


-xxx-

















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