I was supposed to write something last Monday - and then I got caught up in all sorts of thoughts - especially about not knowing what to write.
Not much has changed, except for the fact that I decided to write anyway.
Waiting for that perfect moment isn't going to work - it will never come.
So here I am, without any preconceived ideas or inspiration. I guess I know why, I've lost focus. Ever since starting my new job, about 2 weeks ago, I've been overwhelmed and tired. Content? Yes, to a certain extent.
But my head is overflowing with everything that I'm experiencing, learning
and doing that when I come home I almost can't get myself to just sit down and be.
Although that might be what I need the most right now. And actually, that's what I'm doing as we speak, so to say.
So how do I manage these 2 completely different worlds? Or maybe it's about how to merge them? The fact is that I need this job and I like it, it makes me feel useful.
Auch. That came out without even being able to think it through.
So is 'being useful' a my reason for keeping this job? It can't just be that.
To be seen, ok - fair enough - I have my issues. And I am appreciated so that makes sense. To take care of myself - seems a valid reason - and a fact.
And it's not like I have any other option right now, I mean, I have to pay the bills.
Thinking of it like that, I actually am very grateful for this job because I can do what I'm good at and support myself.
Then why do I feel like there's something missing? Creation. Ok - so I'm not creating anything for myself, other than sustaining my lifestyle. I'm too tired to even go into this right now. But I get it I guess, there has to be something more than this.
And I feel as if I'm so so close but still missing the point.
For some reason I feel that it's not about creating something outside myself, but about creating myself. From the inside out. Okkk and here come the thoughts - I'm talking crap, no one will ever make sense out of any of this!
Maybe not - but I have to write in order to understand myself, to listen to myself.
So that's it for today, creation.
Creating myself? Creating a new me?
Creating the person that I already am but lost somewhere along the way?
I feel that I'm asking myself something I already know!
Too tired - will get back to myself on this later - and create a new blog😂😂😂